On my porch with a new Harry Potter book, fresh squeezed lemonade, and sugar cookies. The depressing part of which is that it will never happen again.

I’m not saying there aren’t other books that I love, other series who’s next book I can’t wait to read (cough-In Death-cough), but I will probably never experience such acute anticipation for a story ever again. The books, the story, and the world that Jo created were just that good. I love that it was meant for children (but not exclusively) and that none of the characters are perfect- everyone is flawed, and even though the stories have magic, they are about humans, and the human condition.

But enough lamenting about the end of an epic story. (Tear.)

I’ve got some good material for this post actually, mostly pertaining to one of my uncles who I recently learned is currently writing a tell-all book about my family. This from the guy that a.) once used a backhoe to flip the car of a union representative on it’s hood (because that’s how we settle disputes in this family), b.) just two weeks ago had to be bailed out of jail because he got wasted at the LPGA Jamie Farr Classic, stole the ESPN golf cart and tried to outrun the police on it, and c.) once choked my other uncle in a company board meeting until he turned blue (because again, we have really good anger management skills in this family… my father for example, the pinnacle of restraint, has only choked two people in the last 10 years, and only one of them was a cop).

And honestly, it’s not like he would have that much material to work with. Ricardo only accidentally put his briefcase with a gun in it though the airport security x-ray machine one time, and jesus, nobody is perfect.

Sounds a little too crazy to be my actual real life family right? Except for here are excerpts from the newspaper articles printed about them: (Names changed to protect the obviously guilty.)

” Exec ordered to pay for damages to union rep’s car” A Toledo construction executive accused of using a backhoe to flip the unoccupied car of an unwanted union representative has been ordered to pay $24,000 to the union. The award was made this week against [crazy uncle], of the [The Family Business], by a jury in … County Common Pleas Court. [Crazy uncle] will seek to have the verdict overturned, said attorney [my cousin the lawyer], who characterized the construction executive as an “innocent party” who initiated “self-help after taking verbal and emotional abuse.” The verdict followed a three-day trial that resulted from a June, 2002 confrontation at … a job site where a company owned by [Crazy uncle] was making concrete for the …bridge project. The [obviously stupid union] representative had gone to the site on Front Street to discuss [Crazy uncle]’s use of non-union workers on the project. At some point, [Crazy uncle] used the backhoe to overturn the business agent’s 2000 Buick LeSabre, crushing the roof, puncturing the door, and causing $11,000 in damages. The jury award included $496 in actual damages to cover towing and storage of the vehicle and $24,000 in punitive damages.

My favorite part about that one is that he “initiated self-help after taking verbal and emotional abuse.” Fuck those wishy washy self-help books, flip a car over when you’re feeling a little distressed and for the low, low, cost of $24,000 you too can be cured.

Then there’s this:

[Ricardo] is scheduled to appear in a Michigan court tomorrow for bringing a handgun into Detroit Metropolitan Airport earlier this year. He was charged with carrying a concealed weapon, a felony, according to officials with the Wayne County prosecutor’s office. Further details about the case, which has been assigned to Judge Brian Oakley, were unavailable from law enforcement officials yesterday… [Ricardo], 43, said the February incident was an accident and that he didn’t intend to take a gun into the airport…The gun and some ammunition were later discovered at an X-ray machine…

So, okay, actually, it could end up being a pretty damn entertaining book. (I haven’t even gotten to the stories about how they left my youngest Uncle hanging from a power line when he was 10, or that time a disgruntled ex-employee stormed into the office and pulled a knife on my father, only to find himself staring down the barrels of no less than three very large guns, held by three very large and angry men, all of whom I happen to share a last name with.) Except, of course, for the fact that I was supposed to be the one to write the hilarious-yet-inspirational biography of my family. After all, what is the fun in being the “in between” (only 12 years younger than my youngest Aunt, and 10 years older than my oldest cousin) if I can’t use that unique position to write an objective tale chronicling the craziness of all the rest of my family?

But yeah, you’re right, I’d rather read a book written by a guy that got a “good Samaritan” medal from the city for beating up a guy (in a bar fight) who just happened to steal some ladies purse five minutes before, and that’s the truth. These are fine upstanding citizens I come from.

Tags: looking at life a little crosseyed