I swear to god, no human in existence has had a better run of quirky motor vehicles than yours truly.

My favorite feature of my first vehicle… a used 1995 Ford Explorer (also known as the Deer-be-gone)… was that when I pushed the rear windshield wiper fluid button, a steam of liquid shot ten feet out of the back of my vehicle onto the windshields of unsuspecting motorists that could not refrain from riding my ass.

With the Taurus, it was the hilarity of hubcaps randomly flying off into oncoming traffic as I drove down the road.

And with the Xterra… it’s the headlights. They’re not just regular headlights, these headlights must be ten times more powerful than the headlights of the average vehicle, though I don’t know if that was by design or was just a happy factory defect. All I do know is that the minute I started driving this car (five years ago) I noticed an unusual amount of drivers on country roads (and occasionally on the city streets as well) would flash their brights at me to let me know I’d forgotten to shut my high-beams off. And every time I would wave, apologize, and check my headlight settings, only to find out I didn’t have my brights on at all.

True Story: I was actually driving behind a police officer on my work (back when I used to run a plant that started a 6 am) and when I pulled up next to him at a stoplight he motioned for me to roll down my window, and then proceeded to tell my I had my high-beams on. I, of course, proceeded to demonstrate that I did not actually have my high-beams on, because thisis what that would look like, and then I flashed him with the cosmic death rays that had apparently been installed in my vehicle where they headlights were supposed to go. I’ve never experienced this myself (always being the driver of my vehicle) but I imagine it’s something like climbing inside a spotlight and then flicking the power switch on… or witnessing a nuclear blast where you can see everything clear as day through closed eyelids. The officer kindly suggested that I get this checked out because he had never seen headlights that bright before, and mercifully the light we were sitting at turned green before I could suggest that was the most idiotic way of saving face I had ever hear of. Who goes into the shop and says…”Um… I think my headlights are too bright.” For serious now.

Anyway, in my crazier youth my finger never strayed far from the high-beam lever, so that when motorists who dare challenge me by flashing their brights in my direction drove by, I could give them a taste of what having golfball sized spots burnt onto your retinas feels like.

Then I grew older and more mellow, and I reserved the superpower of my high-beams only for those who flashed their brights at me more than once. Because I realize that 99% of people who give me the first flash, are really just kindly drivers who don’t realize I’m not an idiot and have not left my brights on. Those who flash me more than once though… I know that inside the safety of your car you’re going on a tirade about how women shouldn’t be aloud to drive anything that has wheels and how you’re probably going to get in an accident because you can’t see on account of my blinding high-beams, and I have to admit I like to give you a taste of the real thing, just so you understand that I’m not in the wrong here, and if I was… your situation would be a lot worse.

And then yesterday happened. I had a long day at work yesterday. Ten hours without seeing the light of day and as I’m on my way home, stopped at city intersection… I see a flash.

Did that guy just flash his brights at me? 

My eyebrows have furrowed so deeply I can hear my mother shouting “Botox!” from 10 miles away. A gray Kia has pulled up directly opposite me in the oncoming turn lane and I am sure this effer just gave me a warning flash. I’m even more sure that he’s sitting in his vehicle right now saying very unpleasant things about the driver of the yellow SUV who is shining her “brights” in his eyes. As sure as I’ve known anything in my life, I know that this guy is a double-flasher. My finger is on the high-beam trigger ready to go… and sure enough, just as his light changes, he gives me the second flash.

Almost instantly I’ve blinded him with my cosmic death rays… I release the lever for an instant, allowing his pupils to adjust for the shocking absence of light, and then… I’m not sure what possessed me to do it, my my finger moved of it’s own violation, and I flashed him again.

I swear I could hear his retinas scream, and then sigh in relief when he turned the corner.

All I have to say is don’t mess with the Xterra.

(Also, I can almost gurantee that when MysteryMan reads this my already-restricted driving privledges will be comepletely revoked. I mean seroiusly, just because one time I drove the Xterra into a ditch…)

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