Here and Gone

My life has been a whirlwind this week. I’ve been to Chicago and back already, and MysteryMan and I are leaving for a few days of uninterrupted beach-and-margaritas in Jamaica in less than 32 hours. With all that’s been going on, the stories in my life these days are short snippets of pain, frustration, or absolute hilarity, and since I’m feeling a little ADD, you’re going to get a little bit of everything today. Such as…

Really Good Advice

If you’re walking by the bikini rack in Target and you see a cute swimsuit, never, under any circumstances, take said swimsuit into the dressing room and try it on. Even if you’re leaving for the beach in two days. I don’t care who you are or what you look like, the combination of distorted mirrors, fluorescent lighting, and life is way too horrifying to have to face sober. Bathing suits should only ever be tried on dressing rooms that are softly lit with candles, and only then after having ingested several martinis.

Why has no one invented this? Martinis & Bikinis. And it should only be open at like 7 am, when food and gravity haven’t taken a toll on your body yet. As HRH Jill Conner Browne (of Sweet Potato Queen Fame) said in one of her books,

Nobody hardly ever gets married, [or wears bikinis] at 6:30 AM… and it’s a damn shame, because that’s about the best your body is going to look all day. Your face and head may look like you just hopped outta bed and chased a fart through a keg of nails, but your body will be as good as it will get, since you haven’t had time to swell up yet.

Um. Amen sister.

Best One-Liner Ever

So I’m with clients in a very. serious. meeting. yesterday when my boss figures we’re being way too productive and decides to whip out the URL of this website to show everyone in the room how much Rita hates my freaking guts. At which point the entire meeting degenerated into a new game I like to call “Dear Rita…” where randomly every few minutes someone shouts out “Dear Rita…” followed by some pithy statement regarding Rita’s attitude, outlook on life, living habits, or general hygiene. My favorite statement of all time came from a woman who is all things proper and southern (and a client, mind you) who– as we’ve moved on to other more serious topics of conversation– all of the sudden quips “Dear Rita… speaking of power tools? Go screw yourself.”

Something to Salivate Over

So, this abacus-pretending-to-be-a-computer that I own has gone from “irritatingly slow” to “when………. the…………. hell………….. is…………… this………….. page…………….. going………….. to………… load………..?” Which means I have no time or patience to post either of the two absolutely fabulous recipes I have in store for you yet. However I’ll have them set to post over the next few days so that you don’t start to miss me or anything. And also I feel like there should be some consolation prize for everyone who is not sitting on a beach drinking margaritas this weekend, and if there ever was the next-best-thing to beaches and margaritas, this is it:

Coming Soon.

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Comments

amisare waswerebeen

Wednesday, 25 March, 2009 at 21:47

Yum. Can’t wait. Have fun.

Susan Lang @ Designing Your Dream Home

Thursday, 26 March, 2009 at 5:36

Regarding “Dear Rita”… I think you took lemons and made lemonade. I absolutely adored your favorite quote. With your wonderful writing skills, I could easily visualize the meeting and how your client blurted out her own “Dear Rita” and the laughter that followed.

Kelley

Thursday, 26 March, 2009 at 8:51

Love the idea of a candlelit dressing room – maybe they could also include someone who, in the kindest and most sincere manner possible, would help to ensure I don’t pick out a suit I will later regret. In the meantime, I’ll probably keep going the mail order route (shudder). Enjoy Jamaica!! Hubby and I were there last month and LOVED it!