Yesterday Nina from Old House Web tipped me off about their Old House Blogger Contest, and I have to admit I read “$250 Lowe’s gift certificate” and a new water heater for the Station flashed in front of my eyes.
Then I read the judging criteria, and THERE WAS NOTHING ON THERE ABOUT GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT USAGE OF THE WORD BADASS, so that dream died a swift death.
Winning entries will be judged on all of the following criteria (in no particular order of importance):
1. Is your blog entry captivating and easy to read?
2. Is your blog entry appropriate for an audience of old house enthusiasts?
3. Was your post inspiring, helpful, or informative?
4. Did you link to and explain relevant online media?
5. Did you provide any other funny or engaging anecdotes?
6. Has your post generated a lot of traffic or earned links from other Web sites?
But it did prompt a late-night search of my archives during which I realized I am beyond help when it comes to swearing, consistency, and posting unflattering pictures of myself all over the Internet. On the bright side, I did come up with some contest categories I would be sure to win, if only they existed:
The Longest Unsolved Mystery Regarding Crown Molding In The History of the Universe: Lesson Four: How You’ll Probably Never Cope Crown Molding
Excerpt from Comments:
“Why did you install the crown molding upside down?”
“I [was actually] holding it upside down (because holding two pieces of crown molding together and taking a picture… not easy!) but if you look at the last picture, you will see that it is installed correctly. (Or, if not correctly, at least in the same manner you will find in most pictures or descriptions of crown molding)”
“With all due respect, the last picture with the tin ceiling….in that picture the crown is installed upside down. The second last picture…..where you show the finished fit,is ultimately the way the finished product should sit on the walls and ceiling…with all that detail topside against the ceiling portion. Again,please don’t take this as criticism…I’m simply pointing this out based on 25 years experience as a finish carpenter and joiner… It can be a bit confusing since there are so many different profiles out there. I can absolutely assure you you installed the moulding upside down. Show a piece to a finish carpenter and he will tell you.”
The Mystery:
There seemed to be some confusion in the comments section as to whether or not I went to all of that hard work but still actually installed my crown molding upside down. Not beyond me, mind you, and the commenter was a professional, so it’s more likely than not that not that something is wrong with this picture.
On the other hand… this picture is from Lowe’s website, where I bought the crown molding:
Um. One of two things happened here. Either Lowe’s is messing with me and put the picture of their crowm upside-down, or the world has stopped spinning on its axis and I actually did something in my house the right way, for once. Mystery solved? You decide.
The most viewed recipe on a website dedicated to power tools: Eat Happy: Cube Steak Sandwich
Excerpt
Then, this is how I build my sandwich. Bun, provolone cheese, little bit of steak buried under an excessive amount of veggies (hi, reformed vegetarian here), a little extra sauce spooned over, and more cheese…Mine was plated with mac and cheese, because I really just feel like my jeans aren’t tight enough yet, okay?
The only mention of the word “testicles” on a website devoted to power tools: The pinacle of self restraint.
Excerpt:
So, Saturday I am at Hope Depot for my weekly sawdust therapy session. and because I love Hope Depot I try not to get unreasonably angry at them when they pull little tricks on me like rearranging where the sand paper is. Of course it’s never a big obvious rearrangement, but something like two shelves down and to the left, so that I automatically stop at where my brain tells me the sandpaper should be but am instead looking a putty knives.
The closest someone who talks incessantly about losing a finger has ever actually come to losing a finger: A little oops.
Warning: This one is also a strong contender for “The grossest picture I have ever posted on this website.”
The largest piece of farm equipment ever to exist in a postage-stamp sized yard: In the world of fence installation, my mother and I are Rockstars.
Excerpt:
…and I hop on the tractor. It took two phone calls to figure out how to a.) turn it on, and b.) make it go forward. To say that I was “in control” of the tractor would be an overstatement. It was more or less push-the-pedal-and-pray. I’m still not entirely sure how the brake works on that thing.
In summary… I’m not sure the words “captivating, appropriate, helpful, and relevant ” apply to anything that goes on here. And I’d prefer to send them this post, but is it really old house appropriate? I’m sticking with the safe choice of the crown molding mystery, because we really need that water heater. It’s not the most entertaining thing on this website, but it may be the most coherent.
Other house bloggers… I know there’s at least one new power tool you will cease to exist if you don’t own in the next six months. Why wait? Enter the contest!
(Also, Nina, I really do appreciate the invite!)
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Comments
Cristobal Fire
I looked over something very much the same to this post via google news… I became intrigued and then started looking around, then somehow landed at this site… in any case, I think that I mostly agree with what you talk about here. But I’m going to go see what else I can find too.