What We Do At 3AM & Other Critter Updates

This is certainly not my first time living outside of a city proper, but it dawned on me recently that when there’s only one other house within a half-mile radius of where you live, you’re in a different kind of country. Deep country. The kind of place where the local wildlife gets together on alternate Tuesdays to formulate detailed plans about how to screw with the new girl.

Here’s a small sampling of some Facebook updates I’ve posted  in the last month regarding things like prehistoric flying reptiles:

Small varmits trying to snuggle up with me under the covers:

Slightly-smaller-than-a-pterodactyl-but-no-less-shocking-to-find-on-the-kitchen-floor reptiles:

(With photographic evidence of this one. Still not sure how he got there or why he was bleeding, but I have a sneaking suspicion the cat was involved in this as well.)

Sneakily disguised as clumps of mud reptiles:

Mysterious critters in my walls:

And my personal favorite, flying mammals:

Here’s a little narration of the situation by yours truly.

What you should be able to determine from this video is a.) my mouth and brain are only connected by a thin thread of hysteria at that hour in the morning resulting in a lot of laughter and only partially coherent sentences, and b.) clearly I didn’t think this through. Even so, in the early morning battle of me vs flying mammal…


I win.

Mostly because he was exhausted from doing 4,562 laps around the ceiling, I’m sure. But still, he’s been safely released back out into the wild.

And here’s where I start to think the critters are escalating in their attempts to drive me to a permanent state of half-crazed sleep deprivation. Because, for real?

To hell with it. I’m opening all the doors and windows and just going to become one with the wildlife, because clearly I’m fighting a losing battle in keeping them out of the house.

But first, a nap.

23 Responses

  1. see, for fun, my cats brought in a squirrel for me last night. It was still quite alive, I think mostly just stunned. I armed myself with a broom and proceeded to joust/herd the squirrel around the living room and out towards the open door. All the while the cats were angrily hissing their displeasure at being kept out of the fun locked in the bathroom.

  2. I have to say though, the snake would’ve made me call my dad to save me. Or maybe I would’ve just swept it up with my broom? I’m glad my cat isn’t the only killer in the bunch.

  3. Best. Post. Ever. I can relate on so many levels. Except I’ve never had a bat in the house. Or a snake. But scorpions, millipedes, and june bugs come and go as they please. And, instead of the hubs putting his hand on a frog, he once went outside barefoot and stepped on a snake. No idea if it was a venomous one. He screamed like a girl and ran back inside.

    The more you drink, the less you care. Just a tip. 😉

  4. I too live in the deep country. My German Shepherd has been barking at 2:30AM for about an hour, for the last week. I am sure there is something creeping around in my yard that he is barking at. Tempted to get up with a flashlight and check it out tonight. Although, I am not of very sound mind at 2:30AM.

    BTW, would have totally packed up and moved if I had found the bloody snake in my house!

  5. I woke up about 0300 one morning shortly after moving into this house to several cows on the patio outside my bedroom. So I get up, go outside, (leave the door wide open) walk down the road to wake up the neighbors to come get their cows… We chase them around for half-an-hour and I finally go back inside… to find a HUGE BAT(not one of those cute little ones) flying around my living room and kitchen. I swatted it down and stunned it with a broom, put a paper bag over it and a piece of cardboard under it and took it outside. When I finally got up in the morning it was gone. I have never, before or since, seen any bats here again.

  6. Oh yeah – had a tarantula (REALLY BIG UGLY SPIDER) crawl out from under my bed one time many years ago when we lived in a cabin in the San Gabriel Mountains in Southern California. I sat on top of the kitchen table in a fetal position for hours. I think my husband wanted to take me to the looney bin that night. And the cat brought us baby rattlesnakes more than once.

  7. So funny. I live in suburbia but have the same problem – probably because the woods next to me were mostly cleared for houses (so wildlife has nowhere else to live). We’ve had snakes, squirrels – and LOTS of bunnies, which are cute and fluffy looking but completely tear up my gardens.

    I’d still rather have the wildlife than the alternative – a bland, boring landscape with nothing but houses and asphalt. Treasure your country life, I’d switch places with you in a minute!

  8. A tip for the bat situation from personal experience: Open all the windows and take the screens off. Turn off the lights, leave the room and close the door behind you. Come back 5 minutes later and the bat will be gone.
    I suppose you could stay in the room for the 5 minutes if you wanted to, but I’m guessing based on the nature of this post that you’d prefer to wait outside!

  9. A tarantula? Dear Lord. I could not handle that.

    I myself once screamed like a girl. Something I never thought I would do. In my youth there were grade B movies of people somehow transported back to prehistoric times, and a tyrannosaurus rex or whatever would loom over them. The guys would start shooting or sensibly run, the girl would just stand there in her high heels screaming and one of them would have to go back to rescue her. What an idiot she is, I always thought.

  10. Bent double laughing! S.s.s.so s.s.s.or…ry! Can’t stop laughing (with empathetic tears of course).

  11. Let me know where you live so I can know where not to go. I wouldn’t make it. I would have the exterminator/pest control on speed dial.

  12. Welcome to “Country”. Go to Tractor Supply Co (there are two in Ann Arbor, several others nearby)get their “Blue Book” (catalog), and/or ask for help. There are plenty of potions you can sprinkle around the foundation to keep snakes and critters away. We found one morning a baby copperhead trying to swallow a small bullfrog (like a #2 pencil trying to swallow a football!). Cracked us up! Tractor Supply will be a good source for many of your needs for surviving out there over the hill!

  13. Ummm…just as a little side note…while I applaud your humanitarian efforts to release the little marauding critters back into the free world…from experience I can tell you that they immediately run out and tell all their little furry and slimy friends about this cool new place they’ve discovered, and they really need to check it out! Love them outdoors…not so much in my house. Doesn’t help that the cats favorite form of entertainment is watching hubby and me attempt to catch them.

  14. Hilarious and scary all at the same time. But do be EXTRA CAREFUL around the bats! An friend of my neighbor was in an area one evening and a bat swooped at her head resulting in the slightest of scratches on her scalp. Not much was thought of it the scratch was so minor. Two weeks later she died…seriously. So if you EVER get even the SLIGHTEST scratch from a bat, seek immediate medical attention.

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