When your friends decorate their house and good intentions turn into holy-god-that-paint-color-is-frying-my-retinas, mostly what you get is a potential aneurysm for trying not to laugh in their presence. And they get, uh, nothing.

Cause, listen… stuff like this does happen.

These pictures leave me without words, so I’ll only say this: Now, instead of just pain and humiliation, you and your “very much in need of decorating-help friends” can have $2,500. Each.

That’s True Value, people. Making life sweet for the decorating impaired.

Stage a Design Intervention & Win

Here’s how to enter the True Value Design SOS Contest.

1.) Find a design disaster. Really, how far do you have to go? It can be a friends or your own… seriously, True Value isn’t picky.

2.) Take pictures (up to 3) or a short video, and submit them with a short entry by going here. You have until October 7th.

3.) On October 22nd, ten finalists will be chosen, and then we, the people of the internet, will vote for the winner.

Win: $2,500 each to use at a local True Value store and an in-person consultation with a True Value “Master of All Things Hardwarian” to help them turn any space from unfortunate to unforgettable.

Fine Print: I LOVE true value. Not in the “hey, let’s run off to the chapel and get married” kind of way, it’s more like a “they make a huge effort to do awesome things for people who like houses and power tools and the internet” kind of love. Which is why I fell over dead with excitement when they asked me to join the True Value DIY Blog Squad and gave me money to help other people out with their projects. Which, as always, doesn’t mean they are paying me to say nice things about them. If I didn’t like them, I’d still take their money and then I’d say unflattering things about them on the internet and make gagging noises behind their back. Which I don’t do, because they are awesome. So there you go… full disclosure. (Wow, I think I should be a lawyer, I’m so good at this legal stuff.)

Here’s the deal. It’s Friday.

I have things to grout, things to install, sawdust to inhale… but I can guarantee that at the time you’re reading this I’m sitting in front of my computer at my Actual Real Job,  bleeding from the eyes. It’s been a long week.

Yesterday I was googling material for some training I’m creating for a national brand of, um, sparkly things… and what I thought I typed into the search box was “[unnamed brand] happy ducks”, but then when I looked in the search box of my browser window three hours later, I realized that I had mistakenly googled “[unnamed brand] happy dicks.”

Yeah.

The fact that it took me three hours to figure that out is the best way I can explain the kind of week I’ve had. At that point I just put my forehead on my desk and laughed until it sounded like I was having a seizure.

And I thought in honor of that happy moment I’d share a few other things that have made me laugh until I cried recently.

From my favorite new blog that has nothing to do with building houses (thanks Heather, for recommending it) 2Birds,1Blog – Sorr About The Bag.

From this very site, wherein I do something really stupid with a piece of drywall – The part that makes me laugh is not the video of my own idiocy, it’s the IM commentary from my co-worker Brian as he watched it.

Brian D: “ehh”
Brian D: “ehjhh”
Brian D: huh huh
Brian D: SMACK

That was not only a shout out to two of the funniest things I’ve read all year, but also to two of my co-workers. So, see, the Actual Real Job isn’t all bleeding eyes. Sometimes it’s bleeding eyes and laughter.

Other things I’ve laughed at recently:

• Is Herman Munster your real estate agent?
• I know, everyone knows about this, but still – Sh*t My Dad Says

I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.

He’s not even my dad, but he still explained why I should shut up already about living in a garage.

Oh my god, do you just want me to stop blathering about things that make me laugh and give you something for free, because that’s why you showed up to this corner of the internet today?

Okay.

The guys from RE:Solve offered to give away one of these handy 456-in-1 tools.

Okay, it’s like 17 tools in in one. Stop being picky. This is the thing that’s going to allow you take your entire car apart and put it back together when you break down 200 miles from nowhere in the country one day. Not that I live there and would know anything about it.

Leave a comment about one thing that’s made you laugh so hard you cried to enter.

C’mon… I need the laughs.

Giveaway ends a week from today! And…. Go.

And the winner is…

Julie R from My Loss Their Gain!

It looks like 30 was your lucky number Julie. You’ll be receiving an email from me today.

I wish I had one to give to everyone, but if you weren’t the lucky winner and are still thinking about purchasing a new Trimmer/Edger from Black & Decker, they’ve provided this coupon code for three free string replacement reels if you order through this site.

Coupon Code: TRIM350

That was a fun way to end the holiday weekend and a big thanks to Black & Decker, who provided the trimmer I reviewed, and the one for this giveaway.

Okay, let’s talk about weeds.

Here’s the thing about living in the city… you get weeds. Like two or three stray plants that pop up in the garden, maybe a lone dandelion in the middle of the yard, and weeding takes– on average– 5 minutes, twice a year. So to say I was unprepared for the veritable jungle of plants that will take root and fight viciously for their piece of ground out here in the country is, well, a slight understatement.

Not that it wouldn’t be possible to manage a garden, but (maybe I’ve mentioned this before) hello, I’m building a house over here. This is the first weekend all year I’ve had to devote to the yard. And in a stroke of brilliant timing, Black & Decker asked if I’d review their 24v Cordless String Trimmer/Edger, and asked me to see:

how it measures up in the toughest conditions you face in your lawn

The weeds around here are as tall as trees, and I thought, Black & Decker, you have no idea what you just got yourselves into. I was thinking the proper piece of equipment to use would be like, you know, a bulldozer? I wasn’t sure that a “string trimmer” was up to the job.

Let’s take a look at how it went…

Garage (er, house)

Whatever it is, this is where we live.

As you can see, the grass up by the house hadn’t been trimmed in, well, ever. I thought this was an easy way to break in my trimmer. Also, I’ve actually never used a string trimmer before, yard work isn’t exactly my area of expertise, so this was a good way to break me in too.

That was pretty easy. It took all of 5 minutes, including the time I spent fiddling with the controls and adjusting the handle.

Let’s step it up a notch, shall we?

Pasture

The 70 feet of fence I put up last year was looking slightly overgrown, and the donkeys were doing nothing to keep it down. We’re not talking about “a little overgrown grass” here. There’s a lot of clover, some large plants with a lot of prickers, some even larger plants with slightly fewer prickers, and dandelions that are the size of my torso.

This was the largest weed I chopped down by the pasture…

Two feet tall, an inch-thick stem, and full of thorns.

This was where I figured the Black & Decker had met it’s match, but I turned on the “boost” mode, and as you can see, it went right through it.

Here’s a before and after in some of the “tamer” areas of the fence.

Not bad at all…

The donkeys gave it two ears forward and two ears back. I think they were saving that clover for later…

I was surprised that tackling 70 feet of fence took less than ten minutes, and I was starting to have a lot of fun so I scouted for the next place I would attack.

Garden Jungle

Um, yeah. I’m a little behind on my weeding. But I flipped the trimmer to boost mode and went to town.

Leaving a path of weed-destruction in my wake.

The Black & Decker Cordless String Trimmer/Edger held up to every job I attempted, short of the time I held it up over my head to see if it could lift me up like a helicopter. Eh, every tool has it’s limits.

Review

So I cleared a fairly extensive area with this baby in a relatively short amount of time. I was weed whacking for 30-45 minutes total.

1. The weight was good. I want to have a little weight to my tools because it makes them easier to control and because I want to feel like it has some power behind it. This trimmer was lighter than I expected, but still felt good in my hands. And my arms didn’t get the slightest bit tired when using it.
2. The power was clearly adequate. I used this on the biggest weeds I could find and it got right through them. Note: On two occasions after chopping through a particularly large weed the trimmer would stop and I’d think I’d maxed it out, or killed the battery. After clicking the trigger a couple of times it would start right back up – I’m still not sure if I was just losing my grip on the trigger or if I really did max it out.
3. The string held up. I wasn’t sure about this whole “string” thing. I wanted something with a blade. And teeth. But I guess they know what they’re doing, as the string did it’s job just fine and held up to the beating I gave it running it right next to the metal fencing.

In short, I can’t find anything to complain about. Except, Black & Decker, I have a suggestion… maybe you could call it the “Weed Terminator” or “Jungle Destroyer” or something with a little more umph than “string trimmer”. You know, “Amazing Tool Of Landscaping Destruction” has a nice ring to it.

Here are some features I particularly liked:

My hand could reach the trigger and the safety switches at the same time. The only other tool I own that’s accomplished this is my drill. It’s the first thing  I look at in any tool.

I also could flip to boost mode with my finger still on the trigger. Another plus.

Also, it comes with the allen wrench needed to adjust the secondary handle. It’s a small thing, but do you know how effing irritating it is to have to go dig out the correct tool when you want to adjust something? Drives me nuts. So this feature got a smile out of me.

All in all, it was a great product. I’d definitely buy one, or recommend it to anyone as a good value for the money.

Win Your Own

So here’s the deal… It’s Monday. I can’t do anything about that happy fact, but I can help you get excited for the weekend. Black & Decker gave me a second string trimmer to give away.

Not this one, a clean one.

Here’s what you have to do to enter:

1. Leave a comment. I’m not too picky about what you say, as long as you don’t bad-mouth my John Deere hat, but I’m interested it what your favorite and least favorite yard jobs are, if you want to share.
2. Tweet this. (make sure you @kitliz so I know you tweeted)
3. Facebook it. (make sure you’re my friend so I know you posted)

You can do all three, and enter 3 times.

Contest closes Monday, July 5th. Winner announced Tuesday, July 6th.

The winner will be randomly picked through random.org. Must ship to a U.S. based address (not that I don’t love you, Canadians) .

Legal Disclaimer: Black & Decker provided the product I reviewed, and the product I’m giving away. Which didn’t stop me from beating the hell out of the tool or telling you what I really think about it.

Non-traditional Traditions

For me, being a non-traditionalist isn’t so much about being “different” as it is about keeping myself primed for new ideas and ways of doing things without having to get over that barrier of “that’s cool, but this isn’t the way things are done” every time I feel like trying something different.

Like, did you know that instead of getting up at 5AM on Thanksgiving morning to put a turkey in the oven, you can get up at 5AM on Thanksgiving morning to drink beer instead? Yeah, I know. The first time I hear that I was all, what?! No.

But seriously, there are no Thanksgiving police.

It took me a year (and one very hectic day where we tried to see 3 families and eat 3 turkeys in 12 hours) to consider that maybe it didn’t have to be all sit-down-with-the-fam, and could be a bit more watch-the-sun-rise-over-tailgating-campers.

But it only took once to convince me (and another year to convince my mom) that this was the Thanksgiving tradition MysterMan and I would keep with our family.

Brining a bird and deep-frying it? It only takes 3 minutes per pound, and you’ve never tasted anything like it.

We did forget beer cozies this year, so it’s a good thing I’ve been watching the Season 1 DVD of MacGyver with MysteryMan.

The football part went about as well as you’d expect…

With commentary via text from my dad.

But… maybe by the time we have kids who are old enough to understand football the Lions will be able to play without embarrassing us.

The Giving Part

It’s about that time of year where we all start giving for the tax deductions out of the kindness of out hearts, and I’ve stumbled across some charities you might want to take a look at:

At the game we talked to the good people of 31stadiums.com, who are traveling 30,000 miles this season in an RV to see every NFL stadium and raise funds for the Cpt. Joe F. Lusk II Memorial Fund.

While training in Fort Rucker, AL, friends Nathan Thompson and Joe Lusk discussed how amazing it would be to travel the nation in an RV watching football. Unfortunately, before this was a possibility, Joe lost his life in Kuwait when his Apache helicopter crashed during a training mission. In memory of Joe, Nate is continuing with the dream while planning to raise money for a memorial fund setup in Joe’s name.

Seems like they had a good time in the Motor City, and I’m always in favor of supporting our troops. Interested? Here’s more information on donating.

You can basically divide my sympathies into two categories: Military, and animals.

Like this little guy?

He’s from the M’Shoogy’s Emergency Animal Shelter and No-Kill Sanctuary in Missouri, and he needs your help.

This family has taken in thousands of animals both wild and domestic and works hard to rehabilitate them and release them back into the wild, or find homes for the adoptable types.

Here’s more information on donating if you just can’t resist those little raccoon eyes.

Particularly since we’ve had a little scandal here in Toledo about the dog warden killing off puppies without trying to adopt them first– and really, what kind of person do you have to be to go above and beyond the norm to kill extra puppies?– I’m a huge proponent of donating to no-kill shelters.

For you Toledoans, check out:

The Paws and Whiskers No-Kill Cat Shelter

Natures Nursery Wildlife Rehabilitation Center

Yes. Despite all the powertool badassery, I hug trees and I love animals. What’s the problem?

Just For Laughs

Did I not give you enough stuff to click on yet today? Here are some people who have been making me laugh lately.

Sara over at Russet Street Reno – She’s doing all the stuff on her house that I wish I was doing on my house instead of working my ass off and waiting for the ground to thaw. (Oddly, it hasn’t even frozen yet.) Also, we’re both finalists in the Old House Web blogger contests, and let me just go on record and say that $250 gift certificate is enticing, but I really think you should vote for her. (She’s kicking my ass anyway, and seriously… my post is on crown molding that may or may not still be installed upside down.)

Domestic Episodes of a Rodeo Princess – Rodeo is one of the Grit bloggers, which is one of my favorite places to go and get a glimpse into my future life. Like this…

The two boys and Charles got the pig to go up a small incline. I was at the bottom. Someone screamed, “BLOCK HIM!” I bent at the waist , flexed my knees and prepared to block. A 250-pound pig running at about 20 miles an hour down a hill.

He caught me square at my flexed knees. The force of the impact knocked my glasses off and parted my knees as he was propelled forward. As though we had practiced for months, I slid over his pointy, wet head to a perfect, although backwards, seat on his back and was carried off across the lawn.

My first thought was: I can’t see where I am going.

Second thought was: OH MY GOD I AM RIDING A PIG, AND I AM GOING TO DIE!

Third thought: I am only 18 inches off the ground. No way am I going to die.

I know MysteryMan just read that and rolled his eyes, because yes, that is SO ME in five years (except for the grandmother part.) See how the story ends.

Now all this talk about country living and renovation makes me want to shirk my responsibilities and go hang some trim up at the Memorial House. And you know what? I think I’m gonna, right after I eat some leftover pecan pie for lunch.

God, some days I really love being a grown up.

So one item down, 47,832 to go until Memorial is done.

I thought the rest of you might want to win something as well, because really… what else is there to do on a Wednesday. This week they’re giving away these:

From the Charles & Hudson giveaway page:

Our Giveaway this week, the Ryobi TEK4 Audio Plus Noise Suppression Headphones claim to protect your hearing using active noise suppression/canceling technology, but they also allow you to communicate in regular conversations as they have a built-in mic that pics up nearby low-level sounds that are amplified into the headphones.

These are what MysteryMan would call “fancy headphones” and really… what’s not to like?

Click here to enter. Which will be way more interesting than anything I have to say today.

In any case, I suspect there are a whole lot of you who don’t feel the need to have Google attached to your body at all times, but would still like the convenience of a plumb bob and the music of your entire CD collection in one device that you can take with you anywhere.

And DuPont would like to make that dream come true.

At least once a week I find an offer in my inbox for promoting something on DIYdiva that makes me roll my eyes so far back into my head I nearly fall off my chair. (Life insurance companies, I’m looking at you.) Then there are companies like DuPont that go to the trouble and expense of developing an actual useful tool, and then reach out to people like me (hello, tool addict) and offer us the opportunity to do something really cool for our readers, who occasionally put up with us through rambling incoherent posts about such riveting topics as drywall! and caulking!

So I’m thrilled to give you the chance to win this iTouch, courtesy of DuPont.

The mySurface App

If you’re in the middle of a remodel, are thinking about a possible remodel, or have just finished a remodel (you know you’re going to be doing it again in a year anyway) you’re going to want to download the mySurface app immediately. Because if you’re anything like me, there’s a part of your brain that spends 24 hours a day dedicated solely to finding and cataloging materials that may be just right for your home.

This app has a ridiculous number of Corian and Zodiaq surface colors and textures, which you can browse by color. What I love about this, is that when I have an idea– usually while driving, out to dinner, or some similarly inconvenient time — I need to know right this minute if it will work. Dark wood with pale green tile? White-washed cabinets with neutral counters? Maroon wall with a creamy backsplash? And hey look! I can check it out, right there in my pocket!

Also I’m a sucker for galleries, so you know I love this feature:

This one is definitely a keeper for my virtual DIY toolbox.

Give me that iTouch, Please!

I would love to, so I’m giving you three ways to enter:

1.) Leave a comment. Not just any comment though, I want to know your idea for the best home or DIY related app that’s yet-to-be-invented. I’m still waiting for them to come up with one that will do my laundry, please, but until that happy day, I’d settle for a home-maintenance calendar app. You know, something that tells me when to clean my gutters, change my filters, have the flue checked, etc. (And provides How-To tips for all us DIYers of course). So that’s my idea, now I want yours. You can leave up to 5 comments, and each idea gives you a chance to win!

2.) Re-blog it. Those of you with blogs, post about the giveaway on your website and link back here, and it’ll get you 5 entries in the contest.

3.) Facebook it. My mom still doesn’t know what the word “blog” means, but she’s a champion facebooker, so this one’s for people like her. Add me as a friend and then click on the “Love it? Click here to share on…” link at the bottom of this post. You’ll see the facebook icon appear, and if you click on it, it will automatically post a link on your facebook page. That counts for 5 entries too!

The contest closes at 11:59 PM on Saturday, October 10th. Winner announced on Monday, October 12th.

Let the games begin.

EDIT: An unexpected side effect of this contest is that I opened my facebook page and saw pictures of my freakishly long second toe ALL OVER THE INTERNET. That’s seriously awesome guys. If you’d like to add the contest to your FB page without picture of my toes there is a right arrow under the thumbnail that shows up when you click the Facebook icon. You can use the right arrow to scroll through the current photos on my page until you find one suitable. Which can totally be my toes if you like, because seriously? I have no shame.

EDIT: CONTEST OVER. The Winner was announced HERE.

Then I read the judging criteria, and THERE WAS NOTHING ON THERE ABOUT GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT USAGE OF THE WORD BADASS, so that dream died a swift death.

Winning entries will be judged on all of the following criteria (in no particular order of importance):
1. Is your blog entry captivating and easy to read?
2. Is your blog entry appropriate for an audience of old house enthusiasts?
3. Was your post inspiring, helpful, or informative?
4. Did you link to and explain relevant online media?
5. Did you provide any other funny or engaging anecdotes?
6. Has your post generated a lot of traffic or earned links from other Web sites?

But it did prompt a late-night search of my archives during which I realized I am beyond help when it comes to swearing, consistency, and posting unflattering pictures of myself all over the Internet. On the bright side, I did come up with some contest categories I would be sure to win, if only they existed:

The Longest Unsolved Mystery Regarding Crown Molding In The History of the Universe: Lesson Four: How You’ll Probably Never Cope Crown Molding

Excerpt from Comments:

“Why did you install the crown molding upside down?”

“I [was actually] holding it upside down (because holding two pieces of crown molding together and taking a picture… not easy!) but if you look at the last picture, you will see that it is installed correctly. (Or, if not correctly, at least in the same manner you will find in most pictures or descriptions of crown molding)”

“With all due respect, the last picture with the tin ceiling….in that picture the crown is installed upside down. The second last picture…..where you show the finished fit,is ultimately the way the finished product should sit on the walls and ceiling…with all that detail topside against the ceiling portion. Again,please don’t take this as criticism…I’m simply pointing this out based on 25 years experience as a finish carpenter and joiner… It can be a bit confusing since there are so many different profiles out there. I can absolutely assure you you installed the moulding upside down. Show a piece to a finish carpenter and he will tell you.”

The Mystery:

There seemed to be some confusion in the comments section as to whether or not I went to all of that hard work but still actually installed my crown molding upside down. Not beyond me, mind you, and the commenter was a professional, so it’s more likely than not that not that something is wrong with this picture.

On the other hand… this picture is from Lowe’s website, where I bought the crown molding:

Um. One of two things happened here. Either Lowe’s is messing with me and put the picture of their crowm upside-down, or the world has stopped spinning on its axis and I actually did something in my house the right way, for once.  Mystery solved? You decide.

The most viewed recipe on a website dedicated to power tools: Eat Happy: Cube Steak Sandwich

Excerpt

Then, this is how I build my sandwich. Bun, provolone cheese, little bit of steak buried under an excessive amount of veggies (hi, reformed vegetarian here), a little extra sauce spooned over, and more cheese…Mine was plated with mac and cheese, because I really just feel like my jeans aren’t tight enough yet, okay?

The only mention of the word “testicles” on a website devoted to power tools: The pinacle of self restraint.

Excerpt:

So, Saturday I am at Hope Depot for my weekly sawdust therapy session. and because I love Hope Depot I try not to get unreasonably angry at them when they pull little tricks on me like rearranging where the sand paper is. Of course it’s never a big obvious rearrangement, but something like two shelves down and to the left, so that I automatically stop at where my brain tells me the sandpaper should be but am instead looking a putty knives.

The closest someone who talks incessantly about losing a finger has ever actually come to losing a finger: A little oops.

Warning: This one is also a strong contender for “The grossest picture I have ever posted on this website.”

The largest piece of farm equipment ever to exist in a postage-stamp sized yard: In the world of fence installation, my mother and I are Rockstars.

Excerpt:

…and I hop on the tractor. It took two phone calls to figure out how to a.) turn it on, and b.) make it go forward. To say that I was “in control” of the tractor would be an overstatement. It was more or less push-the-pedal-and-pray. I’m still not entirely sure how the brake works on that thing.

In summary… I’m not sure the words “captivating, appropriate, helpful, and  relevant ” apply to anything that goes on here. And I’d prefer to send them this post, but is it really old house appropriate? I’m sticking with the safe choice of the crown molding mystery, because we really need that water heater. It’s not the most entertaining thing on this website, but it may be the most coherent.

Other house bloggers… I know there’s at least one new power tool you will cease to exist if you don’t own in the next six months. Why wait? Enter the contest!

(Also, Nina, I really do appreciate the invite!)

Will you be doing any canning this year? We’re half a step ahead of you on the plantings, but no raised beds, as yet. Mrs. OrDie has filled our back yard, virtually to the brim and it occurs to me that we are going to be up to our eyeballs in tomatoes and peppers (etc., etc.). So, I’m shooting for a couple cases of salsa.

Wanna compete? (no losers as far as I can tell).

Let me just say this sir… hell yeah!  

Any other folks out there with a garden (or just a burning desire to make salsa) want to play?

I propose a salsa trade from all participants, because like Mark says… how can you lose?  

Post a comment and/or blog entry and trackback here if you want in.

… never happens to you again.

Here’s the deal. In honor of the Cool Tools holiday blitz (Runs 11/27to 11/30 on the DIY Network– and an excellent source of inspiration for Christmas presents by the way. Ahem.) the DIY Network is letting me give away some their Cool Tools to DIYdiva readers.

Specifically (and I never thought I would say this) a seriously badass tape measure. I know, you squinched your eyes up when I said that. Badass tape measure? MysteryMan and I go through about 3 tape measures per year and it never occured to me that there might be a better option than the old 25′ Stanley we keep buying over and over again. And then the DIY Network, bless their little tool-loving hearts, sent me this.

Any my heart went pitty-pat. You know why?

100% Stainless steel.

The ability to grip with both sizes of the tape.

And double sided numbers.

Why the hell didn’t I know tape measures like this existed before?

And speaking of things I didn’t know existed before…the Jack Pack? Um. Need.

I am going to be totally banned from watching this show because of all of the things I will have to buy Right. This. Minute.

Anyway, back to what you care about, which is how you can complete your life by getting one of these tape measures. It’s easy… Just leave me a comment with the number of times you stop by per week to see if I have succeeded in unintentionally removing one of my fingers with my cordless drill yet.

Winners picked Sunday.

You can enter more than once, but every new comment you leave has to be funnier than the last one or I’m not counting it. I’m going to be caulking seams on that roof for 10 hours this weekend, so I’ll need a good laugh.

Now go forth, comment, and cross your fingers, my DIY comrades.

Possibly Related Posts: