Oh. Dear. God.

There is no other way to put this. I broke my house.Let me explain the sequence of events here:

1.) Go to Vegas for my first vacation in 2 years.

2.) Come home four days later to a house that is 31 degrees Fahrenheit inside… and I see this:
frozen faucet frozen toliet 2

3.)I call a friend who is the son of a plumber. I have never seen a toilet bowl frozen solid before but I am sure this does not bode well for my house… he tells me to shut off the water main and turn on my heat up so that if there is a leak it won’t flood my house over night.

4.) I find the water main, crank it toward “off” as hard as I can, bump my heat up to 70 and go somewhere warm to sleep.

5.) I stop by my house 8 hours later, and find– instead of my half-finished kitchen with adorable red cabinets–a two story waterfall.

It was literally raining from the kitchen ceiling down to the kitchen floor… and from the kitchen floor down to the basement.

I blinked at least thirty times, but the only cohesive thought I could come up with was:

Oh. Dear. God.

Once I got through the “holy shit” phase of shock, I scrambled downstairs to shut off the water main, which quite apparently wasn’t all in the fully upright and locked position before everything dethawed.

I then scrambled back upstairs and gaped for another half hour at the fact that my kitchen ceiling was falling down, and my kitchen floor was warping up. Then I proceeded to call every number I could to get a hold of my father-who is the expert on such matters as what in the hell to do when you have a broken house.

After several moments of gut wrenching panic he called me back and reminded me of the one word that has saved my life… Insurance. Oh yes, I will never never never complain about insurance premiums again. Ever. You know why? Because for the low, low cost of a $500 deductible… all the broken pipes, soaked insulation, destroyed ceiling, floors, and entire upstairs bathroom are going to be replaced.

Oh, and my broken furnace is going to get fixed too. (It is currently 38 degrees inside my house.) On the down side… my freshly painted adorable red kitchen cabinets are going to be kaput. Oh yeah. And I’m going to be homeless for the next couple of months or so.

Home ownership is awesome.

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