Last week one of the fine upstanding officers of the law decided that the six mph I was driving over the speed limit was recklessly endangering the other drivers on the expressway. All one of them.
It was a slow day for crime in The City of Trees.
He gave me a pass on the speeding, but of course ticketed me for not wearing my seatbelt. I have issues with the seatbelt law, the first of which is that it voilates my nature-given right to endanger myself if I should so choose. What’t next? Knife juggling? Outlawed. Lifting heavy objects by bending from the back, not the knees? Outlawed. Eating french fries? Outlawed.
I don’t kid myself however. The state is less interested in my personal safety that it is in making an easy $90 from my blatent disregard for my own personal safety.
My second issue with the seatbelt law comes from the fact that I have what is essentially a golfball sized tumor* situated directly over my windpipe. In the exact spot that the seatbelt catches my neck, because vehicles are not designed for extra-short people. So while I actually do firmly believe in my own personal safety, I also can’t drive for more than 3 or 4 minutes with all oxygen being forcibly cut off from my brain.
I didn’t relay this information to the kind officer becase rules is rules, so when I knowingly break them I pay for them without complaint.
But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.
Luckily I have a self-powered, fully-organic paper shredder in the house. And when I saw this legal notice sitting on my desk today and found myself rather annoyed at the legal system… Well, let’s just say I dealt with it accordingly.
Paper shredder, aka BubbaCat.
I shred any legal papers for free.
Each individual piece guaranteed to be coated with fast-acting paper-disolving reminicent-of-dead-fish cat saliva. No additional charge.
*It’s actually what they call a multinodular goiter. Mmmm, pretty, right? It’s genetic. Thanks Mom.