Boldly Going Where No Light Fixture Has Gone Before

So listen, this is what happens when you make a joke to half the Internet about only needing a guy around to wash your dishes…the universe will screw with you, and you will have to do unconventional and slightly awkward things to prove a point.

This might faze a more normal person, but my life is basically a string of unconventional and slightly awkward moments, so Universe? Joke is on you this time.

For example, last night I came home to a mystery package on my front porch that contained a light fixture that I only vaguely remember purchasing at 3 AM during one of my insomniac episodes. I can’t be totally sure, but I think I bought it to replace this bit of awesomeness in the little hallway between the mudroom and the kitchen…


Yes. That is basically a bare lightbulb surrounded by bits of mirror. Try not to be jealous.

I was pretty excited for that thing to no longer exist within a ten foot radius of my new fridge, so I set to taking it down and installing the new fixture. Well, right about the time I found myself on the stepladder with sweat dripping into my eyes as I tried to simultaneously hold the new fixture in place with my teeth and connect the wires, it occurred to me that this is the first light I’ve installed without, you know, another set of hands around.

Then, in one of those moments of clarity that come to you just before you’re going to do something that’s either completely brilliant, or completely stupid, I had an idea. See, the fixture was hanging at about chest height as I tried to connect the wires, so in my desperation I did what any rational female adult in my position would do… I wedged the light fixture down my shirt.

Yes. I did. Because I’m like MacGyver but with a slightly larger cup size.


Hey, it worked.

What didn’t work was a.) the white balance on that picture, and b.) the fact that I’m just over five feet tall and it’s possible to hit my head on that fixture.

So… turns out this light will be boldly going where no light fixture has gone before twice, once I figure out a new place for it. (It’s this light from Barn Light Electric, if you’re wondering.)

Moral of this post: Measure twice before you get boobsweat on your new light fixture. Or something like that.

25 Responses

  1. I too have experienced some major boob sweat whilst hanging a light fixture just to prove I don’t need no stinking man to help me. Let’s just say I’m glad no one was there to witness my awesome “fan necklace” because yes sometimes you must resort to strapping a light fixture around your neck to get the job done.

    P.S. Love LOVE your blog. You crack me up and inspire me! Keep up the great work!

  2. I love, love, love DIYing on my own so I totally get these posts. Though I do miss my dad’s second set of hands and all around jack of all trades-ness experiance. I remember my first ever sink or swim, replacing the bedroom ceiling fan on my own 🙂 The box promised it was a 1 person job and it was, though I did have to go out & buy a large ceiling medallion to cover up the f’d up ceiling plaster i ruined in the process 😉

    I am envious of your life & love your blog – keep it coming for all of us!

  3. When boobs aren’t feeding babies, they’re better used as tools. I applaud your ingenuity. Too bad the fixture is too long because it looks great in the mud room. Maybe it will replace the awesomeness in the stairwell?

    1. That was the next place I was going to try it! Or potentially over the kitchen sink, but it may be a little large for that space.

  4. Boobsweat is the bane of my existence. Thankfully, I’ve handily stored several tools in the cleavage whilst up on a ladder though!

  5. Ah yes, the many uses for boobs. I have been know to store my car keys in there, use them to steady a board whilst playing a Redneck Olympics game, and balance many a plate. 🙂

  6. I completely understand.

    And I agree with the others, that looks realy great, just shorten it!

  7. Oh, please try to shorten the stem! It really looks beautiful in that spot. The boob shelf regardless of size, it a great tool and I use it to hold/prop/store (i.e. cell phone) often. Women are just so multi-talented.

    1. Checked out the site and it says, if I read corrently which is not a guarantee, that it had 3 stems 6″, 12″ & 18″. Did it come with all?

        1. Now that I look at it in the picture again… that is way longer than 6″. I may need to check the box. THIS is why I shouldn’t DIY late at night, lol.

      1. Never mind – dumb question. If it had you, Super Woman, wouldn’t be in this situation! Apologies sent 🙂

          1. I know, right? Something doesn’t add up here and I think it’s my brain. I’m going to check again…

  8. Agree with you guys that I like the fixture there, but unfortunately it’s not easily modifiable. Not that I don’t like a challenge, but I’ve got about 6 other rooms of challenges I need to tackle first (toilet on carpet in a hallway, anyone?)

    I may return this one or get a similar flush mount for this area, because it is pretty sweet looking!

  9. Not having an extra hand or two and no boobs to use I tie an extra wire from the junction box to the light fixture to hold the fixture while I wire it up. The extra wire can be cut out or sometimes left in place.

    Can’t wait until they sell boobs in the tool catalogs. It will give a whole new meaning to buying a set of Makitas.

  10. First time my hubby ever installed a ceiling fan by himself (in a brand new apartment too), he got a shock quite literally. The switches in the bedroom weren’t actually wired to the fan so there was a constant feed of electricity. Yeah, turns out the entire apartment was wired with the sole purpose to burn the place down lol. We had electricians working on it for 2 weeks after we discovered all the problems.

  11. Hey, whatever works to hold on to something, I frequently need another hand, lol
    Can you shorten with a hack saw
    And my husband does the dishes! DIY to him is a nasty word.

    Its music to my ears…

  12. Glad to see you got it worked out. We had to shorten the stem for a hanging ceiling fan once, it wasn’t that hard, but made a huge difference. 🙂

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