Ways To Amuse Yourself While Waiting To Die From An Aneurism

UPDATE: I’m fine, peeps. It was a glorified headache without the actual ache.

So. The good news is that I did not die from an aneurism this morning. You know what that’s called? Perspective.

What did happen to me today was that I was sitting at my desk at my day job, minding my own business, and my eyeballs stopped working. Which is, um, slightly disconcerting, Even more disconcerting was when I called  my always-has-a-two-week-wait doctor and they got me an appointment immediately.

You know exactly what I did when the nurse was all, “oh, why don’t you come into our office, you know, now” ?

I went all WebMD on that shit.  And google was like, what? You have unexplained neck pain and suddenly blurry vision? Get your shit together because your ass is 3 seconds away from having an aneurism.


I have painters coming in three days and laundry room doors to build. I do not have time to die of an aneurism right now.

But I had to admit that there are some things even I can’t fix with power tools. Like my brain. So that is how I found myself sitting in an exam room at the doctors with only a sharpie marker, stethoscope, and three-month old issue of People magazine to entertain me while I considered what I should do with the final minutes of my life.

I decided if I was going  to fall over dead any minute  (when would it happen? the parking lot? back at work? when I’m out at dinner?), I might as well go out the same way I’ve lived my life… being a smart ass.


(Translation, for those of you can’t read my hi-I-cant-see-and-I’m-writing-upsidedown-on-my-chest-with-a-sharpie handwriting: I can’t believe that shit just happened.)

I cleverly marked how high my shirt comes up so that this message will remain covered until the time of my sudden and unexpected demise. Or until the sudden and unexpected demise of, say, a bottle of tequila. Because you know if either of those things happen today, whoever tries to resuscitate me should get a good laugh out of this.

Moral: Always keep your sense of humor. Even in the face of uncertain death.

Also, doctors? Don’t leave your patients unattended with sharpie markers.

PS – My eyes and brain are fine, just uncooperative. And I still can’t see directly in front of my face so please excuse the typos in this post.

PPS – Despite the fact that I am not going to die of an aneurism today, I am going to continue wearing this message under my shirt, which I feel could be appropriate in several situations. Like if  I had a date that went particularly well tonight, for example.

29 Responses

  1. Thank God you’re still around. Wouldn’t want to see another unfinished project on the web 😉

    Just messing with ya. Take a day off, hope you’re doing better now.

    1. Haha. Oddly enough that was on my list Friday before my day went to shit because of the eyeball thing… definitely going to give one a try next week!

  2. holy moly, woman. get some rest and a will. someone’s gonna need to finish that house!

    p.s. do not leave it to me. i just got all my eyeball mess situated and would like to keep it that way.

    p.p.s. nice sharpie skilz.

  3. Hilarious! But scary! Glad you are alright. I sure hope they can figure out what is up so your eyes can work right again.

  4. Another reason you shouldn’t be prancing around on a board 50feet up without a safety harness!

    1. Ha! Who would want to drop dead one day without ever experiencing the fun of sanding drywall while standing on a 2×10? Not me!

  5. Sooo…. Migraine? Pinched nerve? STRESS??? OVERWORKING YOUR BODY WHILE IGNORING IT?????

    You need 7 to 10 days on a tropical island with a cabana boy bringing you fruity drinks at regular intervals while you watch the waves and listen to reggae and dance with good looking, half dressed men.

    Wait – that’s MY fantasy…Anyway…..

    Seriously – listen to your body – it’s the only one you have. Slow down and rest a bit, m’kay?

    1. Best guess is migraine without the actual pain. Lucked out on that I guess. A week with nothing to do would drive me bonkers, lol, so I’ll let you keep that fantasy!

  6. Oh no you don’t! You are not allowed to die and leave this world with one less power tool toting woman!!!! Like the others have said, please take care of yourself and get better soon.

    1. I know! I need to have a will in place for all my tools.

      I’m actually perfectly fine. Once my eyes started working right again I was perfectly normal (well… normal for me.)

  7. Oh, man….Life’s little curve balls…don’t you just love ’em? NOT! Humor conquers fear every time! Take care of you.

  8. What the heck? What did the doctor actually say about causes and what s/he plans to do to figure this out?

    When you said not working, I though you meant not moving, but it sounds like they are blurry? How about seeing an ophthalmologist (not optometrist)?

    “Floaters” can be big enough to do this, but not both eyes at once, I would think. Also you can get a slight decrease in the fluid in the eye that results in a fuzzy area. Again, as an ignorant layperson, I would think not both eyes at once. I had the fuzzy thing from fluid and it eventually cleared up.

    Or this could be an optical migraine.

    Started any new meds lately that could do this? Do you wear contacts and something maybe happened to the cleaning stuff?

    You have been really overworking, too.

    1. Another thought – got some crap in your eyes from one of the projects and it’s done a temporary number on the corneas? Another reason to see an ophthalmologist.

    2. Their big fear was for my retinas, but all is well in the eyeballs…they checked out 100% perfect. Best guess was the optical migraine, with no head pain. I just had a blank spot in the middle of my vision for a couple of hours, then it went away, and I feel fine.

      1. I first got optical migraines in my thirties – no pain, no other symptoms, just the vision going crazy for awhile. I guess some people have them fairly often, but mine are once every year or two.

  9. Pretty scary stuff… My brother started having wierd eyesight problems accompanied by some head pain and it turned out to be a non-malignant tumor (the size of a grapefruit) pressing on his optical nerve. So if you have any other symptoms demand an MRI- seriously! The doctors fiddle-farted around with this for a couple of months before they found it with an MRI! He’s fine now, but it was not a fun time.

  10. My inner smart ass wants to be like you when it grows up. Love your wit, and glad you aren’t dying of an aneurism. Hope the eyes get back to normal soon.

  11. Aiyiyi! If it had been an aneurism, we would>/i> have been talking power tools– little tiny ones, wielded by a brain surgeon. (Can you say high-cost reno?)

    Glad to hear that’s not what it was.

  12. Rest for a while. Whatever the hell it is you just GOTTA do will still be there when you’re strong enough to deal with it.

  13. You know most people just use their hand to write notes on.

    You are too funny… I may not be able to sleep after reading this blog. I’m glad you are okay, I don’t know you, but I would miss you if something happened to you. I think you are an inspiration and I love that you can laugh even with things are not going well.

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