Has December picked anyone else up by the scruff of their neck and drop-kicked them into the middle of Holiday craziness, or is that just me? Holy shit, you guys, I’m still reeling a bit from the great ravioli-making marathon of 2013 and then next thing you know THERE ARE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, EVERYWHERE.
I love it. Really, I do. An not just because it gives me a reason to put antlers on the donkeys…
Okay, wait. Yes. That’s exactly why I love it, actually.
Not so much.
So I took a time-out from the projects over the weekend to do a little decorating, play with the animals, and celebrate with friends.
(I’m still surprised every time I see that fireplace, that it doesn’t still look like this. Grateful. But surprised.)
And just about the time the house really starts to feel cleaned up and under control, you know I’m going to make a disaster out of it. The crew is coming Wednesday to tear out the master bath so that I can get started working on that room. And I’m highly motivated since it looks like in just a few short weeks, I’ll have a roommate moving in.
Just for context, I haven’t had a legitimate roommate (as in, someone other than a guy I was in a relationship with) for well over a decade. Add to that the fact that I often carry on long conversations with my cat, and dance around my kitchen sans pants, and you’ve got to figure that there are just going to be daily opportunities for me to unintentionally make an ass out of myself in front of another human being. So basically just like this website, but with a smaller audience, and less opportunity for explanation.
Take, for example, this story: Earlier this evening I was planning for a long, luxurious shower. I turned the water on, and as I was waiting for it to warm up, I hear the unmistakeable buzz of a mosquito near my head. The one mosquito that is still alive in December, apparently, and it’s hanging out in my bathroom. Now, I love all creatures, but I cannot abide mosquito, particularly when I’m a few minutes from disrobing. So I searched it out, found the spot on the shower curtain where it was perched, and– without taking my eyes off of it so as not to lose track of it– grabbed the nearest object within reach that could be used for skeeter-squashing, which happened to be… a roll of toilet paper? Well, that’s what I had, so I was going to make it work.
In my head, I envisioned keeping it firmly grasped in my hand to use like a swatter, but mid-swing the mosquito took flight and I instinctively changed tactics, lobbing the full roll of toilet paper at it like a cannonball. A split second after releasing that double-quilted projectile of mosquito destruction, however, it occurred to me that given the position of my target and the force with which I released said projectile, I’d essentially just thrown a full roll of toilet paper into the shower.
I take exceptionally hot showers, so in the three seconds it took my brain to transition from “Oh, shit” to action, the entire roll of toilet paper had basically dissolved on to the shower floor.
Yeah. Any person who witnessed that scene would have just seen me pick up a roll of toilet paper and throw it aggressively into a running shower for no apparent reason. And then start swearing. So what I’m saying is… I think the roommate thing is going to work out real well for me.
If he doesn’t try to have me committed inside of a month, we can call it a success.