I bought a house that was previously owned by color-blind, shelf-happy, eighty year old people who thought that the best way to patch a hole in the wall was to cover it with scotch tape and paint over it.
Sidenote: If you just read that sentence and said to yourself, “Huh, there’s a brilliant idea… never thought of that one,” then can I just ask you to do me one really really big favor?
Because my vision still gets clouded by a red haze of rage when I think about how many pieces of painted-on scotch tape I had to pick off my walls and then re-patch. Sweet baby Jesus, it’s enough to drive a girl insane.
For everyone else…. Welcome to the very abbreviated version of the projects that occurred over the course of the first three years that I owned my house. I’m kind of envisioning myself as a sort of voice-of-God raining over this post, telling you about the future and taking away all the suspense as to whether or not I managed to maim or kill myself with a power tool between now and October of 2007. (There was only one incident that occurred between a 100lb. piece of flagstone and my knuckles… it’s hard to say who won.) I have this magical power because I’m actually transferring these posts over from my old blog (Renovation) so that all the DIY deliciousness can be in one place. From here on out, I’ll stop being the Voice of God and you can read everything as it was back in a day before I had a working shower.
(insert wavy vision and dream like music here)
So I bought this house six months ago from this people who had no taste, less vision, and a negative amount of Do It Yourself aptitude. It needed saving. And right after saving, it needed some serious demolition.
This is the living room as it looked when I took possession. (Notice the remarkable difference from the picture that was in the real estate brochure. Never ever believe what you see in pictures, especially when large sums of money are on the line)
Mission 1: Removal of Stinky Carpet
Meet my talented team of carpet ripper-uppers… also known as E and Holl.
Mission 2: Under Carpet Clean-Up (also known as REASON #1 WHY TO NEVER WILLINGLY PUT CARPET IN YOUR HOUSE. EVER.)
Do you know what this is? This is fucking disgusting. (I really try to keep the swearing to a minimum here because at some point my grandmother might read this and wonder why she couldn’t have a quiet, ladylike granddaughter, but there are some times when the F word is really necessary. Like when you realize you are allergic to the house you just signed 15 years of your life away to.)
What you’re looking at there wasn’t even remotely ALL the dirt on the floor, I literally stood in one spot and swept in a circle around me, and this is what I ended up with. Likely 50 years of silt and dust mites that had filtered through some god-awful carpet and padding. And made me itch like I’d rolled in poison ivy. Blech.
Mission 3: General De-construction of the house.
I have to admit, the people in my life kick ass. Here’s a little picture montage of everyone helping me tear down shelves, wall paper, paint, ugly awning on the back of the house, and pretty much anything else we could get our hands on.