Wherein I break a box of tile over a contractors head.

April 14, 2005 | 2 Comments | Garrison House, Kitchen
DIY diva

You want to know why I’m a firm believer in DIY? This is why.I have been working my butt off at the house. Plastering, painting, cutting 164 tiny slices of tile myself (the sonofabitch contractor-we’ll just call him Effing Contractor– told me it couldn’t be done my way because it was “too hard”- so then I had to do the whole I-will-do-it-myself-and-how-does-it-make-you-feel-that-a-24-year-old-girl-can-do-your-job-better-than-you-can-you-lazy-asshole routine)  all so that my countertops could be done the right way and asap… etc.etc. All of this on top of a crazy amount of work, and watching my uncles 2 dogs which required an hour of my time, four times a day, for the last week. Inhale.

So what does that idiot do?! He calls me last night and tells me he hung the range hood. I pause. Blink. And say “how did you hang the hood, Effing Contractor, if the backsplash tile wasn’t done yet?” And the Effing Contractor says, “oh, we did the tile.” And I say “HOW IN THE HELL COULD YOU HANG THE TILE IF THE RIGHT TILE WASN’T THERE?!” Oh, here’s why… they just grabbed my extra blue countertop tile and used that. I was sopissed. I am even more pissed, that it doesn’t look bad… it’s just not the way I wanted it. I had planned a pattern using 4″ slate tiles and 2″ blue tiles to tie in the slate in the other rooms. I keep trying to decided if it is unreasonable for me to expect my house that I work my ass off to pay the mortgage on is done the way I  want it.  (Not to mention the asshole also installed the tub and the toilet into a bathroom with half painted walls… and now I have to paint around all that stuff, which is so much more difficult.)

Needless to say I went from disbelief, to really pissed, to really frustrated, to really depressed in the space of about three hours, much to the bewilderment of my poor boyfriend who came over to my house to find me sobbing on the front steps.

What did make me feel a little bit better was that I took my spare key out of it’s hiding place so that Effing Contractor was locked out of my house that had all of his plumbing tools in it today. (Okay, let the 2007 version of me step in and be the voice of god here again for a minute… I had to laugh when I re-read about him leaving his plumbing tools in the house, mainly because it reminded me of what a huge fucking dumbass this guy is… almost a year after they put my plumbing in I get a bill from the city saying I haven’t been using any water according to my meter and that is impossible so they have to charge me like $500. I’m understandably like WHAT?!, at which point I run downstairs and look at the water meter, only to find it has been put on backwards. There is a fucking arrow on it telling which way it should go, but that was obviously too complicated for this MF.)

The big issue with this is not just that he’s an Effing Contractor, but that he is an Effing Idiot as well. Mostly because I had already laid the tile on the countertop, and when he laid the tile under the range hood, he worked from the top down instead of from the countertop up. If you’ve never done a backsplash before you may say, eh, what’s the big deal? The big deal is that the grout lines on the countertop don’t match the ones on the backsplash, and basically if I finish it off the way he started it, its going to look like a two-year-old did it.

And he’s supposedly the professional.

This is what the backsplash was supposed to look like:

planned out backsplash tile

This is what the Effing Contractor did:

backsplash fuckup

And this is my creative solution to the fact that contractors are idiots:

backsplash tile fix

The only reason I didn’t beat the guy bloody with a piece of slate tile, is because it forced me to be creative and the result was better than expected. But that doesn’t excuse the idiocy.

DIY diva


  • "Uncle F"

    I know this is several years later – but I just read your horror novel. Your experience (?) begs the question : “What the H*** happened to common sense and courtesy?”.
    BTW – I bought a townhouse once, the water heater was installed backwards! The installer was so proud of their work that they put company logos on the heater! Guess who paid the bill to correct it, 5 years after installation? Ha! [;-))

  • Robert Bowling

    I bought a modular home for retirement. After getting sevrl bids n a whole house AC, I decided to get room units for now. After two years, I had enough of the constant humming of the various units and each room being a different temp. I had a “professional” install a whole house unit and it was a dream ill the middle of the night.Beng older, I freqently get up to relieve myself during the night. Imagine my horror when I stepped out of bed to a soaking wet floor. The problem was the drain for the condensor ran into a hole punched ito a drain lne under the house. The “Pro” had stuffed the hose all the way into the line and when the toilet was flushed, paper,etc caught on the hose. When the water softener cycles at 2 a.m., the amount of waterwas too strong for the clogged drain to handle so it backed up and overflowed the walk in shower, flooded the carpeted bathroom,duh, who does that. It is all a ditant memory/nightmare now as yesterday I completed a total bathroom overhaul. If you have ever seen a modular home master bath, you will know most have a large soaker tub with matching color plastic sinks and toilet,not platic. I installed a double size walk in shower, DIY vanity and linen closet, designer sink and a killer wardrobe/closet. I am so proud of my new skills.

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