UPDATE: I’m fine, peeps. It was a glorified headache without the actual ache.
What did happen to me today was that I was sitting at my desk at my day job, minding my own business, and my eyeballs stopped working. Which is, um, slightly disconcerting, Even more disconcerting was when I called my always-has-a-two-week-wait doctor and they got me an appointment immediately.
You know exactly what I did when the nurse was all, “oh, why don’t you come into our office, you know, now” ?
I went all WebMD on that shit. And google was like, what? You have unexplained neck pain and suddenly blurry vision? Get your shit together because your ass is 3 seconds away from having an aneurism.
I have painters coming in three days and laundry room doors to build. I do not have time to die of an aneurism right now.
But I had to admit that there are some things even I can’t fix with power tools. Like my brain. So that is how I found myself sitting in an exam room at the doctors with only a sharpie marker, stethoscope, and three-month old issue of People magazine to entertain me while I considered what I should do with the final minutes of my life.
I decided if I was going to fall over dead any minute (when would it happen? the parking lot? back at work? when I’m out at dinner?), I might as well go out the same way I’ve lived my life… being a smart ass.
(Translation, for those of you can’t read my hi-I-cant-see-and-I’m-writing-upsidedown-on-my-chest-with-a-sharpie handwriting: I can’t believe that shit just happened.)
I cleverly marked how high my shirt comes up so that this message will remain covered until the time of my sudden and unexpected demise. Or until the sudden and unexpected demise of, say, a bottle of tequila. Because you know if either of those things happen today, whoever tries to resuscitate me should get a good laugh out of this.
Moral: Always keep your sense of humor. Even in the face of uncertain death.
Also, doctors? Don’t leave your patients unattended with sharpie markers.
PS – My eyes and brain are fine, just uncooperative. And I still can’t see directly in front of my face so please excuse the typos in this post.
PPS – Despite the fact that I am not going to die of an aneurism today, I am going to continue wearing this message under my shirt, which I feel could be appropriate in several situations. Like if I had a date that went particularly well tonight, for example.