This post is brought to you by 1.) insomnia, and 2.) twelve months of perspective. This is actually something that has been hanging around in my drafts folder since this time last year, when I was pretty much bleeding from the eyeballs because of the stress of buying this house at auction. It was an awesome time.
I don’t know why I never got around to making a full post out of it to share with you guys, but I assume it’s because I was wrapped up in a lot of honest-to-god fear of what might be wrong with this house at the time. Now, a year later, it’s actually pretty funny in a kind of oh-yeah-I-remember-that-feeling-of-dread kind of way.
So, without further ado… a post I didn’t finish about a list I wrote at 4 AM, after I bought a house online without ever walking through it. A year ago. (Color commentary from 2013 is in italics.)
So, on a good day I’m one of those people who keeps 34 different windows open on their computer screen, some of which are from two months ago. Because if I close that window whatever idea I had at the time will disappear into the ether, never to be seen again, right?
Also, when I’m feeling a little stressed, I compulsively make lists. It’s the closest thing to an organizational habit that I possess. Clearly the last 48 hours have been slightly crazier than usual, so even though I don’t really remember writing this at 4 AM after I just bought a house and couldn’t sleep because I had enough adrenaline in my blood to give an elephant a piggy-back ride, it’s not entirely surprising that I just found it buried under 7 open word documents on my computer.
Worst Case Scenario:
- The house is infested by a combination of rats, snakes, and dead bodies and must be torn down. (Well, there was definitely an incident with a disembodied chipmunk tail, a snake, two bats, and a freaking peacock, but thankfully nothing that required tearing down the house.)
- The roof leaks. Looked decent from outside. (The roof did leak, but I broke into the house and painted over all the water spots before I actually owned the place so the appraiser wouldn’t know. And then I replaced the roof.)
- There is no central air. I hate not having central air, but did I or did I not live in a garage for over a year? Stop whining. (There is no central air, and I totally made it through a hot-ass summer without it. No big deal, I’m a country girl now.)
- The furnace has been removed. I would be so fucked. (The boiler was right where it was supposed to be, granted, all of the radiator pipes were broken, but with a little good luck the appraiser didn’t notice. Definitely had to replace those pipes, and my relationship with the boiler is still somewhat contentious, but mostly I have heat.)
- The plumbing is bad or all copper pipes have been stolen. (It was 50/50 on the bad plumbing, but the copper was still there and in the end it all worked out okay.)
- The basement floods. So the eff what? The basement in this house [the rental] has been flooded for three months. Neither the cat nor I have drowned. Just don’t put anything in the basement. (Basement has a little water sometimes… it’s fine.)
- The basement is short (likely) or unexcavated (possible). Again, so the eff what? Don’t use the basement. Move the laundry room upstairs. (The laundry room already was upstairs. Score! And I basically don’t use the basement unless I’m tangling with the boiler. Or spray painting something.)
- The foundation is bad. Fine. Get the bulldozer, tear it down. (The foundation is 150 years old, and still steady. Whew.)
- All three toilets need to be replaced. That’s so minor in the scheme of things I can’t believe I just wrote it down. (Yeah, I can’t believe this even made it on the list. Other than the toilet on the carpet, we’re good.)
This is just a quick little reminder that even at the worst of times 1.) it’s probably not as bad as it could be, and 2.) you should never lose your sense of humor. Or the ability to talk to yourself.