A couple of weeks ago I started my big summer project (big being a very relative term as it definitely is not as big as, say, a badass pergola), which, in case you missed that post, is to rehab the entryway of my darling 80 year old house.

Step one in this process was to remove the crumbled-to-shit iron railing, which, obviously, had seen better days.

Step two? Taking care of this mess that the previous owners left me.

It’s hard for me to talk about what was done here without steam pouring out of my ears or using the f-word excessively… but I’ll try. It appears that there were at least three attempts to patch the mortar around these stones. The first resulted in that fun border of mortar you see decorating the bricks at least an inch away from the actual place that needed patching. Why? Who the heck knows? However I have to give the previous owners some credit for actually using mortar in this instance, because as you can see on the second attempt some sort of plastic runny mystery substance was dripped around the stone. At least, I assume this was an attempted patch job… one in which they expected this gray slop to defy the laws of gravity and just stay in the crack. Can’t imagine why that didn’t work.

The third attempt actually managed to seal off the cracks, because they used a clear silicone caulk. Um. Seriously? I know I am the queen for not using tools and/or building supplies for their intended purpose… but, bathroom caulk? (Then again, I’m talking about people who patched holes in the walls with scotch tape, so I cannot even imagine why I’m surprised.)

So, lets talk about mortar.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a mason. I know some things about concrete, mortar, grout, and cement by virtue of the fact that I worked in the concrete industry for a few good years, but I’m not an expert, and certainly not a tradesman. What I am (and you all know) is fearless about taking on projects around my house, mostly because no matter what I do, it will never be as screwed up as what the previous owners have done. So, the information and pictures that follow will likely make a seasoned mason cringe right down to the very depths of his soul. However, this cost me $7 in materials and it worked, so I’m still going to share. 

The first thing I did was cleaned out as much of the old mortar as I could, using my favorite tools of destruction: A hammer and screwdriver.

Near the bottom I found something that made my eyeballs roll all the way back into my head:

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… but I have to say it just this once.

What. The. Fuck.

Obviously this chunk fell out at some point, but then another piece of stone was inexplicably glued to the back?? And shoved back in the hole??? Because… I mean… I can’t even think of a plausible explanation for this. Like the toothpicks in the screw holes upstairs were somewhat understandable, but… I don’t even know what to say. This is me. Speechless.

It’s not pretty, but this is as clean as I could get it. (And notice me still leaving room for mortar joints around the chunk.)

So, here we are, fairly cleaned out:

I think I chipped a little bit more of the side mortar out about half-way up, and then used a paint brush to clear out any dust/dirt/chunks-of-mystery-substance. Unfortunately there wasn’t much that could be done about the inch of mortar colored outside the lines there without damaging the brick, so I’ll live with it.

I found these little $7 bags of mortar for patching at Home Depot, and while leary about the add-water-and-squish method of mixing that they recommend, I gave it a shot.

(Yes, I’m barefoot and sitting indian style.)

Here’s my recommendation, pour the powder into a bucket first and then add the 7 oz. of water, and stir it up with that fun little yellow putty knife they give you. The squish method did not work so well. Also, resist temptation to add more water… mortar is about right when you can scoop out a 3/8″ thick chunk, then hold the trowel (or yellow plastic thing) vertical, and the mortar holds.

I don’t have picture of the next step because MysteryMan was nowhere to be found and I wasn’t touching my Nikon with fingers full of mortar. Suffice it to say I reached into the bag of mortar, pulled out a handfull and smushed it into place with my fingers. Cringe away masons!

I know that cement it corrosive. Believe me. And if you do this you should wear gloves and blah, blah, blah. And shoes, probably. But, hey, this is why I love being a DIYer and not a professional builder of things. I can do it my way.

Let me just say this about getting the mortar in the crack… It’s not sticky. Mortar is basically sand, water, and a really fine powder (thats the cement). What you’re aiming for is kind of like suction. You really need to get the mortar packed in there, and that’s what makes it stay.

Here’s another thing that will make a mason have an aneurism. They sell tools for striking the mortar (giving it that nice grove) and I even own one, but I wasn’t exactly sure where it was located within the 17 different spots in my house/garage where tools amass… so I just used the end of a paintbrush, which worked just as well for me.

After all of that was done (and here’s my mortaring trick) let the mortar dry for about 10 minutes or so, and then come back with a wire brush and clean of the excess which will have gotten all around the spot you actually wanted the mortar to go. I have one of those wire brushes (that looks something like a toothbrush) but it was off somewhere partying with the striker. So I dug this out of some closet.

It worked okay, but not great. And my knuckles got scraped to shit. If you’re ever going to attempt this, definitely get a wire brush.

Then I like to spray the joints (and stuff that just got scraped away) with a water bottle… it helps reduce shrinkage cracks… and come back in another 30 minutes or so and give it another go with the brush.

Which is how we go from absolute crap, to nowhere-near-perfect-but-way-better-than-before mortar joints. (And there are no longer gaping holes leading to the interior of my house, which is a bonus.)

Everything is a little fuzzed out from the mortar, but with a couple of good rains (or blasts with the garden hose) I expect the gray residue to fade off of the brick and stone.

With that, step two, complete.  

(Also, if you did this with your fingers and no gloves… go slather about a cup of lotion on your hands because in 30 minutes there will be no moisture left in them, and your fingers will start to bear a strong resemblance the terrain of Death Valley.)

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Tags: brick, mortar, tuck point

Because I know you haven’t salivated nearly enough yet today…

The one good thing about being booted mercilessly out of Spring and into the hot, muggy oppressiveness of Summer? Cookout days are back again! (Not that we weren’t grilling out in the dead of winter dressed in all-out north-pole-expedition type gear… okay, okay, in the spirit of honesty I’ll amend that and say “not that MysteryMan wasn’t grilling in the dead of winter, while I huddled inside under three blankets, with the heat on full, praying for spring.” )

And you know if you’re cooking out, going to a cookout, or just thinking you may want to cook out sometime in the near future… you gotta have some potato salad. I know, I know… there are as many different versions of potato salad as there are fish in the sea, and everyone likes it differently. So I’m not saying my recipe is the best, I’m just throwing it out there in case you’re looking for something a little different in your potato salad this year.

Step 1: Boil Stuff

What you’re looking at here is 2 large russet potatoes, cubed and boiled in salted water for 10 minutes or until easily skewered with a fork.

What you are not looking at here is an egg getting itself hard-boiled in a pot, mainly because I didn’t take a picture of it. Basically egg meets pot of water. Pot of water meets burner. Wait until water boils for a couple of minutes and then I just shut the burner off and let it cool on its own. I have no idea if this is proper egg-boiling etiquette, but it’s what I do and it works.

Step 2: The “Garden Fresh” Part

Basically this entire recipe could be summed up by saying: Make your regular potato salad recipe, except omit the celery and add some chopped up fresh green beans and dill. But then I wouldn’t have an excuse to play with the Nikon, so you’re getting the whole blow-by-blow account here.

So, I finely mince what amounts to a tablespoon of onion, half a cup of fresh green beans (do me a favor and don’t try this with that shit that comes out of a can… I can’t even imagine how that would taste, but the thought of it is making my gag reflex kick in), and the hard boiled egg.

All of these get added to the potatoes along with some salt and pepper.

You may be leary about the green beans, but don’t be… they are all crunch and freshness and way better than celery.

Step 3: Dressing

I don’t like that overwhelming mustard taste that a lot of potato salads have, so my dressing goes something like: 1/2 - 3/4 c. full-fat mayo, 1 Tbsp. mustard, tiny splash of apple cider vinegar, tiny pinch of sugar, and at least a tablespoon of fresh or dried dill. I use a lot of dill.

What you probably don’t want to do is add organic creamy peanut butter, even though you may notice a jar in the picture above. I just always like to have the peanut butter handy in case I need to grab a spoonfull and roll it in chocolate chips.

What?? It improves my disposition.

Step 4: Mix & Mix

I expect this part is fairly self-explanatory.

Maybe you want to add more dill. I did.

Step 5: Enjofsydifbnsd…

sry. can’t type. too busy eating.

Variation: If you want the MysteryMan version of this dish: omit egg, add bacon. Because that man will slice off his own thumb before eating something that looks like an egg, tastes like an egg, has the word “egg” in its name, or could possibly have, at one point in its short existance, come into contact with an egg.

* If you’re looking for more cookout worthy recipes: Grilled Corn & French Onions

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Tags: cooking out, potato salad, recipe

I had to beat my printer into submission over the weekend so that I could finally put some crookedbrooms business cards together. See? Fun.

Seems that I have been starting more computer/printing projects in my free time recently, as opposed to wood/power tool projects. (Made some progress on the recycling cabinet last week though, so don’t count that one out yet.) This should be depressing, but really it’s fun to brush up on design skills, and even more fun when they directly relate to my brooms.

It occurred to me when I was working on these business cards, well, first, how bland and boring regular business cards are. Why do we let a 2×3.5″ piece of paper define us in such a generic way? Obviously because its safe and expected, and would the general public really take a medical doctor who handed us one of these seriously?

I would… but I appreciate a little humor and like to believe that people are actual people, whether or not they are CEO’s or surgeons. (And because I stole their picture to use as an example, check out the website for Show Off Cards. They really are fun.)

Anyway, my thought really wasn’t about business cards so much as it was about the broom business, which really is more like a broom hobby that has business-like attributes. It’s fun to have a reason to a.) work with wood, b.) buy more power tools, and c.) play around with funky ideas for business cards and websites without having to worry about the acceptance of the general population.

My challenge to everyone with access to scissors, paper, and glue (man, these tools never get old, do they?) is to see if you can define yourself in a 2×3.5″ card. Can you make something that says something genuine about you?

*If you loved the show off cards, check out IDEO’s “Identity Card” project, which is one of those things that just makes you think.

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Tags: business cards, identity, offbeat

June has grabbed my little part of Ohio in her sweaty fists and dropkicked us right into the middle of summer. Thus ends the three days of moderate temperatures that constitue “Spring” in the City of Trees.

Along with the potential for endless days of frizzy hair (seriously, find me the buzzer) the heat, humidity and sunshine has brought one good thing to Garrison Road… my garden is showing a little bit of color!

I’ve been on a kick with only buying edible plants this year, which so far include a blackberry bush, grape vine, tomato plant, bell pepper plant, and the strawberries you see above. All planted in containers, and, come to think of it, all purchased by MysteryMan. And I’m trying a little something new and attempting to grow some beans, carrots, and peppers from seeds. (Which, speaking of, have you ever seen a carrot seed? I’m going to be absolutly shocked if actual carrots grow from those things, I don’t care what it says on the package.) The beans are making some progress though…

We’ll see if I inherited enough of a green thumb from the generations of farmers and gardeners that I come from to actually see some beans from these, or even like a stalk and some leaves would be pretty exciting at this point.

• Greetings from Narnia

Tags: flowers, Garden, Photography, vegetables

The Good

The good news is that I weighed in on Monday at 121.5 pounds. So at least the scale is moving in the right direction again. And that was a feat considering how much birthday cake I ate between Friday and Monday. Like for every other meal.

The other good news is that I did get my beloved palm router… and in fact almost got two of them since both MysteryMan and Ricky clued in since I was incessently talking about how the big router scared the bajeezus out of me and how much I wanted to route me some dovetails.

And the extremely good news is that even though I’m o-ffically a year older, I have not found any new gray hairs on my head. Yet.

The Bad

The bad news is I haven’t gotten a chance to use my new router yet because my life has been full of all kind of life things and not so much fun things.

The other bad news is that we are booked freaking solid this weekend and I probably won’t get to use my router until sometime next week, which is like torture… although the fact that MysteryMan will be joining me a year older and we will be cooking out with all kinds of family Friday, Saturday, and Sunday definitely makes up for it.

The Ugly

I think I’m allergic to Birthday Cake. Normally, I would say that and it would be a joke… like, ha ha, my butt is allergic to birthday cake and swells up every time I eat it.

But this is not a joke. For the last three days I thought that a killer mosquito was eating me alive while I was sleeping because I would wake up with like 10 new mosquito bites every day. Then yesterday I woke up with seven bumps just on my knee and while I was tearing into my skin until it bled like some sort of wild animal and planning mosquito hunts throughout the house, MysteryMan suggested that maybe this wasn’t normal.

Especially because he sleeps right next to me with no covers on and was untouched.

So finally I googled it, and do believe, in fact, that I have hives. Hives. Can I just say,  W. T. F?? And the only thing that I could find on the list of shit that causes hives that I had been ingesting regularly for the last four days was berries. As in the fresh raspberries, strawberries, and blueberries that topped my birthday cake.

Awesome. 

There is probably some lesson in this as to why you aren’t supposed to eat birthday cake for every other meal for four days in a row.

And I have a job interview tomorrow. Nothing says “please hire me” like scabbed up arms. Sa-weet.

• Weight Loss Challenge: Week 4
• Weight Loss Challenge: Week 3
• Weight Loss Challenge: Week 2
• In desperate need of shedding a few pounds.

Tags: birthdays, hives, weight